Has your team been eliminated? And now you don’t know who to root for, but you want to see other fans suffer? Then welcome to The Trolling Matrix. I’ll tell you how to direct your support for maximum butthurt for other fans. (Which, in the end, is what sports is all about.)
S*per B*wl(™): root for the Seahawks
The Matrix tells you to root for the Ospreys on this. Mainly this is because most people have decided that the Seahawks are evil, and it’s always fun to watch people get actually mad about a football game. Picture the scene if Seattle wins. We get Richard Sherman’s inevitable postgame rant (perhaps referring to DisneyWorld as a “mediocre” amusement park). We get Pete Carroll “WOOOOing” his way down the sidelines, doing keg stands off the Gatorade barrel. Maybe instead of t-shirts, they hand out “Super Bowl(™) Champion” medical marijuana cards. And the majority of football fans outside of Seattle will just get madder and madder.
This is what the Matrix wants.
Meanwhile, if the Broncos win, we’re going to have to hear about Peyton Manning’s place in history from now until the time Papa John’s goes out of business. And can you imagine how many “Dilfer Dimes” there are going to be if Manning throws his team to victory? Ugggh. Do you really want to hear Trent Dilfer say use the phrase “Legacy Dime”? The Matrix does not. The Matrix would rather see all of Peyton’s fans continue to grapple with the fact that Eli “I’ll just heave the ball at my guy’s helmet and see what happens” Manning has more rings than Peyton.
The only upside to a Manning victory would be that if enough pundits started calling Manning the best ever, maybe Favre would come out of retirement again. But for now, root for Seattle and refer to yourself as “the 12th Man” at your Super Bowl(™) party.
(photo from Picard’s twitter feed, but if you’re reading this post you already knew that)