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Icethetics.co reported this week that the Flyers nearly wore this “jersey” in 1995-96. Can you imagine? Players would have been trying to get into fights just to have the sweaters pulled over their heads.

Icethetics.co reported this week that the Flyers nearly wore this “jersey” in 1995-96. Can you imagine? Players would have been trying to get into fights just to have the sweaters pulled over their heads.

"Since March 20, 2011, I’ve been a changed player."
—Matt Cooke, after receiving a 7-game suspension for a knee-on-knee hit on Avs D Tyson Barrie. 

In some ways, that’s true. Cooke is now going after knees instead of heads. Progress! 

You think Cooke is a “changed” player? Ask Marc Savard if he remembers how Cooke used to play before March 2011. I’ll bet he won’t remember.

Here’s the problem: ultimately, suspending Matt Cooke for 7 games doesn’t really punish anyone. It doesn’t punish Cooke, who is free to spend his days taking out the knees of fellow shoppers at the Minneapolis Whole Foods. It doesn’t punish the team; a week or two without Cooke can only help the Minnesota Wild. If the league isn’t willing to hand down a significant suspension, maybe a better punishment is to make Cooke play more. Maybe suspend Parise or Koivu instead, and have Cooke (and his team-leading minus-18) play for like 40 minutes a night.

Seven games is better than 2 or 3, but it’s not going to make any impact on Cooke. They might as well have not suspended him at all.

Also, you can’t be a changed player since March 2011 if you stomped on someone’s calf with your skate in February 2013.

PS: it’s real easy to research Cooke’s suspensions. There’s a separate section for them on his Wikipedia page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matt_Cooke#Suspensions

"Since March 20, 2011, I’ve been a changed player."
—Matt Cooke, after receiving a 7-game suspension for a knee-on-knee hit on Avs D Tyson Barrie.

In some ways, that’s true. Cooke is now going after knees instead of heads. Progress!

You think Cooke is a “changed” player? Ask Marc Savard if he remembers how Cooke used to play before March 2011. I’ll bet he won’t remember.

Here’s the problem: ultimately, suspending Matt Cooke for 7 games doesn’t really punish anyone. It doesn’t punish Cooke, who is free to spend his days taking out the knees of fellow shoppers at the Minneapolis Whole Foods. It doesn’t punish the team; a week or two without Cooke can only help the Minnesota Wild. If the league isn’t willing to hand down a significant suspension, maybe a better punishment is to make Cooke play more. Maybe suspend Parise or Koivu instead, and have Cooke (and his team-leading minus-18) play for like 40 minutes a night.

Seven games is better than 2 or 3, but it’s not going to make any impact on Cooke. They might as well have not suspended him at all.

Also, you can’t be a changed player since March 2011 if you stomped on someone’s calf with your skate in February 2013.

PS: it’s real easy to research Cooke’s suspensions. There’s a separate section for them on his Wikipedia page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matt_Cooke#Suspensions

As punishment for a racist banner hung by fans, a Japanese soccer team was forced to play a match in an empty stadium. After seeing the empty stadium, Roger Goodell has invited the team to play one home game a year in England. 

(Photo from Deadspin)

As punishment for a racist banner hung by fans, a Japanese soccer team was forced to play a match in an empty stadium. After seeing the empty stadium, Roger Goodell has invited the team to play one home game a year in England.

(Photo from Deadspin)

Feb 1

The Trolling Matrix: “Big Game” Edition

Has your team been eliminated? And now you don’t know who to root for, but you want to see other fans suffer? Then welcome to The Trolling Matrix. I’ll tell you how to direct your support for maximum butthurt for other fans. (Which, in the end, is what sports is all about.)

S*per B*wl(™): root for the Seahawks

The Matrix tells you to root for the Ospreys on this. Mainly this is because most people have decided that the Seahawks are evil, and it’s always fun to watch people get actually mad about a football game. Picture the scene if Seattle wins. We get Richard Sherman’s inevitable postgame rant (perhaps referring to DisneyWorld as a “mediocre” amusement park). We get Pete Carroll “WOOOOing” his way down the sidelines, doing keg stands off the Gatorade barrel. Maybe instead of t-shirts, they hand out “Super Bowl(™) Champion” medical marijuana cards. And the majority of football fans outside of Seattle will just get madder and madder. 

This is what the Matrix wants.

Meanwhile, if the Broncos win, we’re going to have to hear about Peyton Manning’s place in history from now until the time Papa John’s goes out of business. And can you imagine how many “Dilfer Dimes” there are going to be if Manning throws his team to victory? Ugggh. Do you really want to hear Trent Dilfer say use the phrase “Legacy Dime”? The Matrix does not. The Matrix would rather see all of Peyton’s fans continue to grapple with the fact that Eli “I’ll just heave the ball at my guy’s helmet and see what happens” Manning has more rings than Peyton.

The only upside to a Manning victory would be that if enough pundits started calling Manning the best ever, maybe Favre would come out of retirement again. But for now, root for Seattle and refer to yourself as “the 12th Man” at your Super Bowl(™) party.

(photo from Picard’s twitter feed, but if you’re reading this post you already knew that)

The Trolling Matrix: AFC Championship Game Edition

Has your team been eliminated? And now you don’t know who to root for, but you want to see other fans suffer? Then welcome to The Trolling Matrix! I’ll tell you how to direct your support for maximum butthurt for other fans. (Which, in the end, is what sports is all about.)

AFC Championship Game: root for the Patriots

This game is a little trickier. It’s certainly never a bad idea to root against any Boston area team. Trolling sports fans know that every time a team from Boston loses, an angel gets some spicy hot wings.

But in this case, if you need something to root against, root for Peyton Manning to come up short again. Manning has spent his whole career fighting the rap that he is a regular-season stats monger who can’t get it done in the playoffs. Or can’t get it done in cold weather. Or can’t get it done versus Tom Brady and the Patriots. So what could be better than having all of those things happen in one game?? This season, Manning broke nearly every passing record that Cris Collinsworth could remember off the top of his head. If he comes up short again? Oh man. Just imagine him shaking his surgically-fused head and neck in disbelief before the broadcast cuts to a Papa John’s commercial where Manning watches Papa John breakdance.

The Trolling Matrix: NFC Championship Edition

Has your team been eliminated? And now you don’t know who to root for, but you want to see other fans suffer? Then welcome to The Trolling Matrix! I’ll tell you how to direct your support for maximum butthurt for other fans. (Which, in the end, is what sports is all about.)

image 
NFC Championship Game: root for the 49ers

This is a no-brainer. The “12th man” thing in Seattle is just dumb. End of story. The fans are loud. We get it. But this fanbase has made “12” their whole identity. “12” jerseys, “12” flags — the franchise has retired the number 12, for god’s sake! Fan support is great, but when you wear a “12” jersey, you are cheering for yourself instead of your team. 

AND…let’s look at this “loudest” claim. The World Record, set by Seattle in December 2013, is 137.6 decibels. This broke the previous record (set by Kansas City in October 2013) of … 137.5 decibels. A tenth of a decibel! The smallest perceptible difference to the human ear is 1 decibel. Seattle’s margin of victory is so small that special technology was needed to measure it. A person would not notice. Breathing, by the way, is 10 decibels. The entire identity of the Seahawk fans is based on a margin of one one-hundredths of breathing. If Andy Reid had belched when the Guinness microphones were on, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. 

Not to mention that CenturyLink Field was designed to magnify noise. So even with an architectural advantage, they own the record by a difference of 0.07%. Dominant!

The Niners are hardly troll-proof. For starters, they have a QB whose name has become a verb, which is rarely a good thing. But the Trolling Matrix here says to pull for SF, to watch the self-aggrandizing Seattle fans lose in their own sonically-enhanced building. Let’s see how CenturyLink Field magnifies their sobbing.

Jan 4
I’m sorry…what is wrong with Shane Doan exactly?? I didn’t realize you could miss games because you were listening to too much John Denver. “Rocky Mountain Fever” sounds like a defunct indoor soccer team.

I’m sorry…what is wrong with Shane Doan exactly?? I didn’t realize you could miss games because you were listening to too much John Denver. “Rocky Mountain Fever” sounds like a defunct indoor soccer team.