Radio Free Tobin

"Our last two years, in our first series, we’ve lost the first game. Obviously, we really..."

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 16:00:00 -0700

“Our last two years, in our first series, we’ve lost the first game. Obviously, we really wanted to come out with a good effort tonight.”

- LA Kings center Mike Richards, on their Game 1 win over Vancouver.

See, this is why I love Mike Richards and was sad to see him leave Philadelphia. That first sentence — our, our, we’ve — refers to two seasons when he wasn’t even on the Kings! He wasn’t part of those years, series, or games, yet he (a) knew the history of the team, and (b) referred to that history in the first person. Total team guy. This would be like if your girlfriend remembered what you bought your parents for Christmas two years ago, even though you weren’t dating her then.

Nashville defenseman Shea Weber was fined $2,500 for smashing...

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 14:35:00 -0700

Nashville defenseman Shea Weber was fined $2,500 for smashing Henrik Zetterberg’s head into the glass in Game 1. Weber’s salary this season is $7,500,000. The $2,500 fine (which apparently is the maximum player fine allowed by the CBA) represents .033% of his salary. Let’s say I make $50K a year; an equivalent fine would be $16.50, or roughly the cost of an IMAX ticket. Now, if the ticket was for Avatar, that’s a pretty serious punishment, but otherwise, that’s not really sending a message of deterrence. I once got a $50 parking ticket for not curbing my wheels on a hill; is that really three times worse than what Weber did?

In short, the NHL is serious about player safety, but not as serious as the SFMTA is about parking with your wheels turned.

(photo: Sanford Myers, The Tennessean)

Western Conference Quarterfinals: #4 Nashville Predators vs #5...

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 17:28:00 -0700

Western Conference Quarterfinals:
#4 Nashville Predators vs #5 Detroit Red Wings

The Predators made several key pickups at the trade deadline (Hal Gill, Paul Gaustad and Andrei Kostitsyn), sending the message that they are serious about making a deep playoff run this year. They also changed their uniforms this season, sending the message that they want to look ridiculous while doing it.

Preds fans have taken to calling Nashville “Smashville”, which sounds less like a rousing call to action and more like something that Animal from the Muppets would say.

The Red Wings are still a dynastic team with the most impressive resume of any of the 16 contending teams. They have not missed the playoffs since 1990, and will be starting the playoffs on the road for the first time since 1991. By comparison, the Predators didn’t enter the league until 1998, by which time current Red Wings Nick Lidstrom and Tomas Holmstrom had already won two Cups. So Detroit is an “underdog” in the same way that Britney Spears is a “singer”; in name only.

Aging though they may be, Lidstrom, Zetterberg, and Datsyuk are still formidable, and Todd Bertuzzi is always a danger to score a timely goal and/or sucker punch you and drive your head into the ice. Goaltender Jimmy Howard (whose name sounds like something from the Witness Relocation Program) has speed and skill, most notably the skill of “not being Chris Osgood.”

This series also marks the debut of the NHL on CNBC. I only hope that I am tuned in when Pierre Maguire goes all Joe Namath on Maria Bartiromo.

Predators in 6.

Western Conference Quarterfinals:#3 Phoenix Coyotes vs #6...

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 15:35:00 -0700

Western Conference Quarterfinals:
#3 Phoenix Coyotes vs #6 Chicago Blackhawks

Phoenix has never won a playoff series. Last year, they failed to win a single playoff game, getting swept by Detroit in the first round. But they allowed their goalie, Ilya Bryzgalov, to sign with Philadelphia, the eventual destination of all goalies who struggle in the playoffs, and have turned instead to the goaltending of Mike Smith.

Smith has put up stellar numbers all year, and now in Phoenix “Mike Smith” is synonymous with “shutdown goalie” rather than being synonymous with “name his teammates use when they want to check in to motels anonymously”.

The Phoenix roster is a good blend of youth and experience, and also boasts one of my favorite names in the NHL, Kyle Chipchura. Every time I hear his name, it makes me want a chocolate chip churro, which, sadly, doesn’t exist yet.

The Blackhawks are looking to rebound after a first-round exit in last year’s playoffs. Team captain Jonathan Toews has battled concussions this season, and may not play when the series starts. He probably would have been cleared to play sooner if one of the team’s baseline tests wasn’t “How do you spell ‘Dustin Byfuglien’?”

The Hawks and Coyotes have the two worst power plays of any playoff team, so look for each team to take penalties on purpose.

90210 alert: The Blackhawks’ roster includes three Brandons and one Dylan. Start growing those playoff sideburns, boys!

Coyotes in 7.

Western Conference Quarterfinals:#2 St. Louis Blues vs #7 San...

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 12:15:50 -0700

Western Conference Quarterfinals:
#2 St. Louis Blues vs #7 San Jose Sharks

First of all, the Blues are a #2 seed?? How did that happen? Did Matthew Broderick steal the password from the principal’s office and hack into the NHL’s computer? (In a related story, Blues defenseman Alex Pietrangelo got straight “A”s for the first time!)

Under the guidance of veteran coach (and Civil War enthusiast) Ken Hitchcock, the Blues won their first division title since 2000. Perhaps instead of scouting the Sharks on game film, he dresses the team up in Sharks gear and has them re-enact the games.

The Blues have approached the playoffs the way my parents approached church; they don’t go very often and when they do, they leave early. But this year’s team works hard, is well coached, and has no expectations on it, despite its high seeding.

The Sharks, meanwhile, have struggled with playoff expectations. They reached the conference finals the past two seasons, and have gone 1-8 in those games. For Sharks fans, the same questions still remain: Does this team have the will to win the Cup? Is it time to rebuild? What is icing?

The Sharks do enter the playoffs with a dangerous power play, second in the league at 21.1%, so the Blues would be wise to stay out of the penalty box. This is especially true for games in San Jose, where the fans announce the power play by making a chomping shark mouth with their arms. The less we see of that, the better. Nothing says hockey tradition like teal uniforms and fans who make sharky-sharks with their arms.

Also, the actual St. Louis is a canonized king of France, a Crusader, and a prisoner of war. St. Joseph is a carpenter. A nice guy, for sure, but no match. (At least I don’t think so; remember, I left church early.)

Blues in 5.

Western Conference Quarterfinals:#1 Vancouver Canucks vs #8 Los...

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 21:00:00 -0700

Western Conference Quarterfinals:
#1 Vancouver Canucks vs #8 Los Angeles Kings

The Canucks won their second President’s Trophy in a row, and yes, they came within one win of the Cup last year, but so what? Is anybody really afraid of the Canucks?

As for that President’s Trophy, let’s be honest; The Manitoba Moose could win the President’s Trophy if they played in the Northwest division. The Canucks went 18-5-1 in a division in which no other team even made the playoffs. The St. Louis Blues, meanwhile, finished a mere 2 points shy of Vancouver, despite going 10-9-5 in a division with 3 other 100+ point playoff teams. The Rangers, who also came within 2 points of the Trophy, went 15-7-2 in a division that also includes three 100+ point playoff teams. The Canucks play in a glorified AHL division and still barely squeaked away with the league’s best record.

Luongo has been shaky all year; he lacked confidence in last year’s playoffs, and the coach is ready to pull him for Corey Schneider (whose GAA and SV% are better) at a moment’s notice. Keeping goalies on short leashes in the playoffs doesn’t work. Ask the Flyers.

Speaking of whom, the Kings pulled two blockbuster trades to reunite former Flyers Mike Richards and Jeff Carter. Carter’s addition has helped an offense which was not as good as it looked on paper (which also describes your typical LA headshot).

The Kings are stacked with former Flyers. Ron Hextall is in the front office (no doubt two-hand slashing other executives with a letter opener), Simon Gagne and Justin Williams are on the roster; former coach John Stevens behind the bench, and ex-coach Terry Murray was fired earlier in the season. The Kings are almost like the regular Flyers, except with solid goaltending and healthier food at the concession stands.

The Kings played in close games all year, and their offense is starting to come together. Goalie Jonathan Quick need only play a little bit better than the Luongo/Schneider tandem, and the Kings could pull the upset.

Kings in 7.

Eastern Conference Quarterfinals:#4 Pittsburgh Penguins vs #5...

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 18:56:00 -0700

Eastern Conference Quarterfinals:
#4 Pittsburgh Penguins vs #5 Philadelphia Flyers

For the Pens this year, it has been business as usual. Crosby gets hurt; Malkin steps up. The Penguins proved once again that the key to Malkin’s success is to not have Sidney Crosby play. They could save a lot of money by trading Crosby and just not telling Malkin about it.

Malkin had a career year; he is a 50-goal scorer, is likely the league MVP, and is proof that there are Supercuts in Russia.

Also having a career year is left winger James Neal, who put up an impressive 40 goals. Neal’s Wikipedia page refers to him as James “The Real Deal” Neal, which shows that in addition to scoring goals, Neal also knows how to edit Wikipedia pages.

The Flyers had a very busy offseason, turning over nearly half their roster, spending big money on goaltender Ilya Bryzgalov, and, perhaps most importantly, not re-signing Dan Carcillo. The addition of Bryzgalov was meant to secure the goalie position for the foreseeable future, which is technically true, since they signed him to an untradeable contract.

Among the new Flyers are former Penguins Max Talbot and Jaromir Jagr, and gritty winger Wayne Simmonds. Simmonds was welcomed by the Flyers faithful, most of whom remarked, “I didn’t know that Apollo Creed could skate.”

The Pens are stacked, and eager to make up for an early exit last playoffs. The Flyers roll 4 solid lines, and have plenty of depth to fill the void left by whichever player gets suspended for laying out Crosby.

Flyers in 7.

Eastern Conference Quarterfinals:#3 Florida Panthers vs #6 New...

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 15:53:00 -0700

Eastern Conference Quarterfinals:
#3 Florida Panthers vs #6 New Jersey Devils

The Panthers notched the 3 seed by “winning” their first ever Southeast Division title (the Southeast Title is the NHL’s version of a Participation Trophy). So the Devils, despite having 8 more points in the standings, will start this series on the road. This may be just as well, since the Devils were 24th in average attendance. There are 8 non-playoff teams with better average attendances. The Devils may be the only team to have items left over on giveaway days. “Join us next Saturday at the Rock for ‘Sure, go ahead and take two of those Zach Parise bobbleheads’ Day.”

The last time the Panthers won a playoff series, people threw plastic rats on the ice after every Florida goal, a behavior which was easily the best argument against expansion into non-hockey markets.

Florida’s roster is stacked with players (Kris Versteeg, Brian Campbell, Scottie Upshall) who other teams spent too much money on and then either didn’t want anymore or decided didn’t fit with the team. Much like Buffalo Exchange (the store, not the MLS franchise where everyone wears used clothing).

The Devils led the league in shootout wins, which is interesting, as I didn’t know you could execute a trap during shootouts. Marty Brodeur continues to defy age, his health, and the best interests of the organization, by playing year after year. Fun fact: Brodeur has been in the league longer than the Florida Panthers have.

The Devils have three 30-goal scorers, and have started wearing the throwback unis with the green. That’s good enough for me.

Devils in 5.

Eastern Conference Quarterfinals: #2 Boston Bruins vs #7...

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 22:20:00 -0700

Eastern Conference Quarterfinals:
#2 Boston Bruins vs #7 Washington Capitals

The defending champion Bruins began their season by skating the Cup around TD Garden in their home opener, something which I believe has never been done in NHL history. Because when you play in a city like Boston, which doesn’t believe at all in curses or anything, you definitely want to go against 100 years of tradition. Sure enough, they began the season 3-7, but soon turned things around and regained their championship form. I’m not exactly sure how; I’ll wait until the movie version with Jimmy Fallon to find out.

With the exception of Mark Recchi (who retired or returned to guarding the Holy Grail or something), most of last year’s group is intact. The only major personnel move was a contract extension for Brad Marchand. Marchand celebrated with a cookout at his house, which everyone but Tim Thomas attended.

The Bruins will need to Thomas to come up big again; even bigger than our own overbloated government (eh, Timmy?). If Thomas falters, or gets invited someplace he actually wants to go, the B’s will have to rely on Marty Turco to fill in for injured backup (and notorious Star Wars bounty hunter) Tuukka Rask. Turco is the kind of veteran goaltender who could easily steal a game for the other team.

Meanwhile, in the great tradition of Washingtonian flip-flopping, it’s hard to figure out what kind of team the Caps are. Are they the team that started strong (and were picked by many as Cup favorites)? Or are they the team that struggled through the season, eventually costing coach Bruce “7-second delay” Boudreau his job?

New coach Dale Hunter drew upon his years of playing experience and began motivating his players by beating them up.

Boudreau, incidentally, was hired almost immediately by the Anaheim Ducks, to replace their own just-fired, overweight, balding, red-faced head coach Randy Carlyle. This is like when your parents try to replace your dead goldfish with a new one that looks just like it. Except the new fish curses more and can’t get Alex Ovechkin to pay attention to it.

If the underachieving version of the Caps shows up, this will be a pretty short series. If the real team shows up, it will be a slightly less short series.

Bruins in 6.

Fashion note: should the Caps stick with their throwback alternate unis, this will be the sharpest-looking matchup of the first round.

Eastern Conference Quarterfinals: #1 New York Rangers vs #8...

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 21:51:00 -0700

Eastern Conference Quarterfinals:
#1 New York Rangers vs #8 Ottawa Senators

What a difference a year makes. Last year the Rangers were the #8 seed, and got bounced unceremoniously by the Caps in the first round. Now they sit atop the conference, having completed their best season since winning the Cup in 1994. They have won only 2 playoff series since 2006, and have not gone beyond the second round since 1997, so expectations will be high. Ranger fans will expect to see a deep playoff run, and hockey fans will expect to see Mike Milbury call them the “Blueshits” again.

The Rangers added playoff experience by signing Brad Richards, who won the Conn Smythe trophy as playoff MVP with Tampa Bay in 2004. Although, to be fair, it doesn’t take much to be the most valuable hockey player in the state of Florida. That’s like being Employee of the Month at Best Buy; eventually everyone gets a shot.

The Senators, meanwhile, were not expected to make the playoffs this year, and had to fight off a late-season charge by the way more heavily bankrolled Buffalo Sabres. The Sabres tried everything short of yelling “I volunteer as tribute” to take a playoff spot away from the Sens, but came up empty.

Ottawa has veteran talent in the likes of Jason Spezza and Daniel Alfredsson, and has the unexpectedly hot goaltending of Craig Anderson (as opposed to Rangers goalie Henrik Lundqvist, whose hotness is anything but unexpected.) Sens forward Milan Michalek got off to a very strong start, but has cooled off as the playoffs drew near. This is a skill he learned in his years as a San Jose Shark. I also just found out that Sergei Gonchar is on the Sens. I had no idea he was still in the league! This is the same way I felt when I found out MadTV didn’t go off the air until 2009. I was like, for real? That long?

Blueshits in 6.

This has got to be one of the scariest gambling things...

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 10:57:12 -0800

This has got to be one of the scariest gambling things I’ve seen (and I’ve been to the Cal Neva in Reno). How much trouble do you have to be in before it even occurs to you to place this bet? Hey, I’m an Eagles fan, so I’m no stranger to the longshot, but $1,000 on a safety as the first points? $1,000?? This is probably the only time this man has ever used the phrase “Safety first.” It sounds like a fake bet put on the board to get a hold of people who need to be in GA. Sure, he won $50K on the bet, but I have to assume that the win was followed immediately by a frantic cell phone call promising “to get the rest to you as soon as I can.”

(photo: Twitter.com/BenJLyons)

Super LOL XLVI: "An Eagles Fan's Perspective," by Joe Tobin

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 12:03:11 -0800

nfloffseason:

(Leading up to Sunday, we asked a group of comedians to share their thoughts and insights on the big game. First up is Joe Tobin, a stand-up comic from Philadelphia who lives in San Francisco)

My thoughts on the Super Bowl…as an Eagles fan, I hadn’t intended to tune in, honestly. I was actually planning to watch “Invincible” (on DVD) and the AMC Rocky movie marathon (on DVR) while eating unheated Dinty Moore Beef Stew right out of the can.

Watching the Eagles fall short of the Super Bowl is nothing new, of course, but it was particularly tough this year, given the record-setting amount of bedshitting the Eagles were guilty of this year. (Who falls for a hard count on a 4th and 1?!?) For most of the first half of the season, the Eagles played like a Madden game, but one where I’m working the controls. And in case you don’t know how bad that is, you should know that I once played an entire inning of MLB: The Show at Best Buy AND DIDN’T REALIZE I was playing the demo. (I got suspicious when my #3 hitter took a swing without me pressing any buttons.)

By the time Week 8 of the season rolled around, the Eagles were the “Dream Team” of the NFL in the same way that NKOTBSB was the “Dream Team” of pop music. (Side note: both will likely be seen at Hershey Park this summer.)

Watching the Giants in the Super Bowl, I feel an odd desire to root for them. Watching them lose would be like watching somebody else beat up your little brother…it needs to be done, but it’s weird seeing someone else do it. Plus, a Giants victory would bring tremendous disappointment to Boston sports fans, which is always a noble cause. If the Pats failed again to beat Eli — who makes a face like he wants a juice box every time he gets sacked — Pats fans everywhere would wrap themselves in ceremonial Bruschi jerseys and try to slit their wrists with Gillette Fusion razors.

But at the end of the day, we all — Eagles, Pats, and Giants fans — can come together and agree that at least it’s not the Steelers.

(Follow Joe Tobin on Twitter here: @radiofreetobin. Watch his standup clips here: Joe Tobin Comedy on YouTube. You can see Joe at Cobb’s Comedy Club in San Francisco on February 14th.)

George Lucas says he had trouble getting funding for the movie...

Tue, 10 Jan 2012 16:40:00 -0800

George Lucas says he had trouble getting funding for the movie Red Tails because of its black cast. I look forward to the “Special Edition” in 20 years when he uses CGI to make all the pilots white.

Having given up on excelling in the standings, the New York...

Mon, 21 Nov 2011 16:39:49 -0800

Having given up on excelling in the standings, the New York Islanders continue to excel in coming up with terrible jerseys. This may be the first time you see teammates start fights with one another, solely as as excuse to get these things pulled over their heads.

Here’s Shawn Thornton of the Boston Bruins and Jim...

Sat, 22 Oct 2011 19:06:00 -0700

Here’s Shawn Thornton of the Boston Bruins and Jim Vandermeer of the San Jose Sharks fighting over which team has the more annoying, homer-rific broadcasters. Relax, guys, you’re both right.

The Bruins ousthot the Sharks in the game, but the CSN Bay Area crew bested NESN in uses of the phrase “possible Cup Finals preview.”

(Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)

Ugh…Penguins playing the Devils today. Instead of Gatorade...

Sat, 22 Oct 2011 18:23:00 -0700

Ugh…Penguins playing the Devils today. Instead of Gatorade behind the benches, I suspect they have Massengill.

(AP photo)

Things have gotten so bad for the Eagles that their mascot is...

Tue, 11 Oct 2011 22:17:51 -0700

Things have gotten so bad for the Eagles that their mascot is now hiding out in the NHL, like the Henry Hill of mascots. “I ordered a cheesesteak with whiz and I got egg noodles and ketchup.”

(Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

During a break in the action Monday night, Calvin Johnson...

Mon, 10 Oct 2011 19:45:00 -0700

During a break in the action Monday night, Calvin Johnson reminds Brandon Meriwether how many turnovers the Eagles had against the Bills the day before.

(Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images)

ESPN: Andy Reid encouraged by film from loss

Mon, 10 Oct 2011 19:38:50 -0700

ESPN: Andy Reid encouraged by film from loss:

This is a misleading headlining, as it actually refers to that fact that the team watched “Dolphin Tale” on the flight back from Buffalo. Said Reid: “Very encouraging movie. Great story. The film from the Buffalo game? Oh, that was horrible.”

Here’s Jimmy Rollins arguing with the home plate umpire...

Fri, 07 Oct 2011 19:20:07 -0700

Here’s Jimmy Rollins arguing with the home plate umpire over how much guaranteed money the Giants are going to give him next season.

(AP photo)