R.I.P. “The Thrasher”
January 30, 2011 - June 21, 2011
As the members of the Atlanta Thrashers pack up their gear, families, and social lives, and prepare to move to the bustling city of Winnipeg, we bid a sad farewell to the NHL’s first Guardian.
According to his origin story, “His entire flight suit and canopy are infused with stealth technology,” because if there’s one thing that hockey needed in the city of Atlanta, it was secrecy. Mission accomplished. And then there’s this: “For propulsion, the Thrasher uses twin turbine jet engines attached to his boots. Two more jets are located on his forearms…” Who better to protect the Thrashers from a move to Winnipeg than a Guardian who is actually made of Jets?
And so, the Thrasher died as he lived: with no one really paying attention, while working on ways to turn himself into a Jet.
In lieu of flowers, mourners are asked to send booze, pornography, and travel vouchers to the players in the Thrasher/Jet organization.
The Shark is rarely seen in May or June, and if you feed him a Duck or a Blackhawk, he will choke on it.
Can we just take a second to reflect on how dumb “Lightning” is as a team nickname? It is such a bad name, the team designed special uniforms solely to call themselves something else.
But, on to our next Guardian. The Lightning’s “most devastating” weapon is an energized rod that he creates in the palm of his hand, which makes him sound like a high school freshman with a Maxim subscription. Perhaps he guards his team by hiding it under his bed.
According to his bio, he is a “natural ladies man” “complete with an electric blue Mohawk,” which may be the first time those phrases have appeared so close to one another.
Also, he can move “at the speed of lightning,” which, given his name, is not particularly impressive. I do not boast about moving at the speed of Tobin.
Not listed here is that The Lightning possesses a cloak of invisibility. His team could win a Stanley Cup, for example, and nobody would even notice.
The Guardian Project rolls on with The Wild, who looks to me like an angry version of Poochie from the Simpsons. (He’s in your face!) Right off the bat, you know The Wild is a badass, because the first thing his bio says about him is that he is an “intellectual and avid reader,” the hallmark of every great superhero. See those beams coming out of his hands? Those are actually books being downloaded to his Kindle.
He only has super abilities when he is in his ‘Wild’ form. Presumably that means he can be spotted dancing on the tops of vans, and playing point guard in high school basketball games.
The Wild was actually going to retire two years ago, until three other Guardians flew down to Mississippi to convince him to come back.
The Wild chains himself up every night, making him the only Guardian to have a safe word.
The Devil has been protecting the world from exciting hockey for over twenty years. In flight, he has the ability to lock his left wing, resulting in instant boredom for sports fans, increased viewership for the Nets, and a Conn Smythe trophy for Claude Lemieux.
According to his bio: “The Devil, being a Devil, is mischievous and likes to play practical jokes.” So I guess Lucifer wasn’t tempting Jesus in the desert; he was punking him.
It is not known why The Devil has a horse’s head, but one can only assume that it has something to do with circumventing the salary cap. Let’s hope his head doesn’t end up in Lou Lamoriello’s bed after Bettman makes him an offer he can’t refuse.
He will also protect you from having to pump your own gas.
The Oiler spends the “majority” of his time wandering around the Northwest Territories, which means that not even he wants to be in Edmonton. Maybe he’s having an affair with a news anchor too.
Fun with math: According to his bio, he is 10’6” tall, weighing 950 lbs. Is he made of plutonium or something? At that h/w, you’re looking at 7.5 lbs per inch of height. By that ratio, LeBron James would weigh 603 lbs. Perhaps The Oiler is wandering the Northwest Territories in search of a Curves.
UPDATE: His quirky sense of humor has just been sent, along with Marty McSorley, to Los Angeles for $15M.